


Not the Hot Sauce

by HyperKid



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Hijinks, No Smut, an hour of disguise, dammit Molly, episode 12, hot sauce on a dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 11:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16597085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperKid/pseuds/HyperKid
Summary: Mollymauk spent an hour gooping his dick up for the hospital. Someone's going to have to wash it off.Mild spoilers for s2 episode 12?





	Not the Hot Sauce

**Author's Note:**

> Mollymauk: ... Alright, this one I earned.   
> HK: This one you earned.   
> Mollymauk: I maintain that it was a good plan!   
> HK: It was a great plan.   
> Mollymauk: And it could have worked!   
> HK: Indeed it could.   
> Mollymauk: The more you agree with me the more I regret my choices. 
> 
> WARNINGS!! There's a dick in it? And whatever the hell Molly did to said dick. 
> 
> Disclaimers: I own nothing, and everything is Taliesin Jaffe's fault.

After a particularly disastrous day of hospital break ins and conspiracy plotting, the Mighty Nein were just breaking up for the night when Molly caught Jester on her way to the stairs. 

 

“Care to help me out a little, darlin?” Jester paused, turning more fully to face Molly and frowning. 

 

“You said you didn’t need more healing,” she pointed out a little reproachfully, picking another piece of glass from his hair. 

 

“Not healing, no, but I’ve got a little cleaning up to do, and I could use a second pair of hands.” He gestured vaguely to his hair, down his coat. Jester made a face at the mixture of vomit, egg, beer and hot sauce. 

 

“Am I going to find out why you were squelching every time you moved?” 

 

“Undoubtedly,” Molly confirmed with a roguish grin. Jester watched him for a moment longer then sighed fondly. 

 

“Well I suppose I don’t want you cutting yourself on all of that glass,” she agreed. There was a strong undercurrent of curiosity too; Fjord seemed to know what Molly had done to himself, and the half-orc’s faces were just intriguing. 

 

Molly took her hand, raising it to her lips before she snatched her fingers back. 

 

“You’re washing your face before you kiss me,” she warned him sternly, and Molly pouted. 

 

“Oh but Jester, my darling, I will think you don’t love me!” He moved in closer, puckering up his lips, and Jester squealed, dancing a few steps away. 

 

“Not looking like that I don’t!” But she was laughing as she said it, and Molly grinned as he chased her upstairs towards the small bathing room. 

 

Fortunately, they got there before Fjord so the water was not much dirtier than usual in the tavern. Jester still made a face at the dingy grey colour. 

 

“Too bad the baths aren’t open this late,” she sighed, and Molly couldn’t help but wonder just how rich Jester’s family was. All these little inconveniences were so normal to him and the others, the inn even having a bathing room was very Big City of it, but Jester took it as an affront to her standards. 

 

Things might be different in Nicodranis. They’d have to travel there someday and find out. 

 

He tugged off his coat first, holding it up for a sceptical look. 

 

“You think they’ve got a laundry boy that can clean this up for me before morning?” 

 

Jester flicked a bit of dried egg from one of the lapels. 

 

“I think you’d do better with a wizard, but we can ask. I’ll bring yours and Fjord’s clothes down, you’re both starting to smell like Caleb.” 

 

Molly let out a slightly surprised snicker. 

 

“You think Caleb’s coat started with egg and mayonnaise?” 

 

“I think he’s puked on it more than once,” Jester shot back, snatching the coat and tossing it to one side. “Are you going to tell me why you’re both a mess?” 

 

Molly shrugged out of his shirt as well, making a face as a dried patch of muck stuck a little to his skin. 

 

“Like the others said. We were making a distraction.” 

 

Jester gave him a very stern look, with just a hint of a smile around her eyes. 

 

“And you figured you’d better go big or go home?” It was the kind of thing she might have done... though she’d have preferred to find a way with a little less stickiness. 

 

Molly grinned, figuring the moment for the dramatic reveal had probably come, and dropped his pants. 

 

“You tell me.” 

 

For once in her life, Jester Lavorre was actually speechless. She couldn’t drag her eyes away from the slowly solidifying mess of Molly’s crotch. Then a snicker snuck its way out. 

 

And another. 

 

“Oh my god Molly what did you do!” She collapsed into giggles, sitting down heavily on the floor. Molly grinned down at her, proud of his handiwork. 

 

Sure, he hadn’t actually used it in their mission, but he’d spent an hour working hard on the look. 

 

“Does that mean you like it?” 

 

“You look disgusting!” Jester squeaked, her voice breathless with laughter. “Did you fuck a breakfast sandwich?” 

 

Molly tapped his chin, pretending to consider it. 

 

“That would probably have been faster, honestly. But it makes a pretty convincing disease, don’t you think?” He wiggled his hips at her, sending her straight back to giggling insensibility. 

 

“You’re... terrible,” she gasped, wiping tears from her eyes and trying to catch her breath. 

 

“I’m wonderful, darling,” Molly corrected, turning to the bucket. Now that it came time to do it, he wasn’t really sure how he was going to clean himself up. The inn would ~have~ to replace the water as soon as he was done, it’d be a cruelty to inflict it on the rest of their guests. 

 

But... should he start by scraping off the lumps, or just dip it in and go? 

 

Jester managed to pull herself up with the plain wooden chair they left in the room, though she couldn’t actually stop giggling. 

 

“I’m going to have to draw you,” she warned Molly, eyes flicking down to her sketchbook. He made a protesting sound and she waved a hand. “You can wash up first. I’m not going to forget.” 

 

That sounded a lot more like a menacing promise than anything else, but Molly figured he had better just go along with it. The sight might be coming back to him in a few dreams too. Looking down, he still wasn’t sure how to start the process. 

 

Jester reached down and around, then paused before making contact. 

 

“It was just egg and stuff, right?” She sounded deeply sceptical, fingers stopped inches away and Molly made a face. It was his own dick and he didn’t exactly want to touch it either. 

 

“Yeah...” The two tieflings stared for a moment longer, then Jester huffed, punched Molly’s shoulder, and dunked his dick into the tub. 

 

“It feels worse than it looks,” she whined, but didn’t stop rubbing to try and clear the egg away. Molly grimaced and reached for the soap. 

 

“Just don’t pull it off, okay sweetness?” 

 

“If you get hard I’m not helping you,” she shot back, obediently shifting to a more gentle wash. Molly paled a little, remembering the hot sauce. 

 

“Yeah... that would not be comfortable.” Jester slapped his thigh and between the two of them, they managed to clean off his crotch and most of the vomit stains on his chest. 

 

Molly stared down into the now disgusting bucket of water and sighed. 

 

“I wish I’d washed my hair first.” 

 

Jester looked down at the water and made a noise of revulsion. 

 

“You are not putting your head in that!” 

 

“I’m not sleeping with a head full of glass either,” Mollymauk pointed out, tugging a piece from his hair to show her. Jester frowned at the shard for a moment, then sighed. 

 

“I’ll go get another bucket from the innkeeper. And see about getting your clothes cleaned.” 

 

Molly pressed a kiss to her temple as she passed, grinning as she swatted him away with more repulsed sounds. 

 

“Thank you, little mother.” 

 

“Stuff it up your ass!” Possibly in vengeance, she scooped up all of his clothing on her way out the door, leaving him nothing but his boots for modesty. He was going to have to find some way to make it up to her. 

 

A few minutes later the door creaked open and Fjord poked his head around it. Molly splayed himself as alluringly as possible against the wall. 

 

“Take me, you ravishing hero!” 

**Author's Note:**

> HK: I polled several fellow Critters for this ending point, and we all agreed that this works too well to pass up. It may be continued later on depending on temptation.   
> Mollymauk: So you're leaving me with glass in my hair?   
> HK: Just don't let him pull it and you'll both be fine.


End file.
